At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
