I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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