I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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