I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
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Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
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drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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