My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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