Umm I'm too high to move.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
