my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
