No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
