I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
