i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
