Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
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