As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
