Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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