I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
