Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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