Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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