Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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