ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
this just has baby written all over it
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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