Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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