I wish my penis had an off switch
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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