My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
