It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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