i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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