I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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