What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
