Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
