She is in my trunk
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
