oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
