Who did Billy Mays play for?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
