$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
