i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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