You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
