The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
