I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
