I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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