Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
