Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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