Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
