Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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