Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
