You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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