I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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