Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We have started to decorate penises.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
