meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
