enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
