theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
