You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
