Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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