my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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