she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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