can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
