____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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