So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
