She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
